The “rule of Matthew 18” says: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” It relates to private (not public) sins, and much misery and heartache in the church of our Lord could be prevented if only we heeded it. Rev. W. van Oene says that if you witness a sin, “There must be no talking about it with others, no approaching the consistory with a complaint, no ignoring the brother, or letting him continue in the wrong attitude and path. Instead one should visit the brother and try to bring him back”.[i] If that rule has not been followed, no consistory is to deal with a complaint, as we maintain in our FRCA Church Order Art. 71 (CanRC Art. 67). What follows is a summary of what Rev. Douwe Agema says in his Council Handbook about applying the rule of Matthew 18.[ii] The footnotes are my additions. JN
The “Rule of Matthew 18”
The “rule of Matthew 18” is a well‑known expression in church life and refers particularly to verses 15-17. But how effectively does it function within congregations? While consistories can insist that members “go the way of Matthew 18” before raising an issue, many believers feel uncertain or hesitant about how to apply the rule in practice. Some may avoid it due to disappointment from past attempts or a simple lack of understanding. The result is that this biblical guideline, though often mentioned, may not be used as fully or as effectively as intended.
Matthew 18 is not a human invention but a command given directly by Jesus Christ, the Head of the church. It arises in a context where the disciples are debating who the greatest is in the kingdom. Jesus redirects their focus from personal status to mutual care; believers belong to one another, not as isolated individuals but as members of a single body. Because it is easy to drift apart—reduced to smiles and small talk on Sundays—the Lord calls His followers actively to seek each other’s wellbeing. Thus, the rule of Matthew 18 is not a matter of ticking boxes but an act of love and care for one another within the communion of saints grounded in Christ’s precious blood.
The rule itself is straightforward: if a brother sins, one must go privately to show him his fault with the aim of gaining him back. If he listens, the relationship is restored. If not, one or two people who have also witnessed the sin must accompany him.[iii] If the person who sinned still refuses to acknowledge his sin, the matter is taken to the church. The purpose is always reconciliation, never punishment or public shaming.
This approach is rooted in Christ’s desire that none of His people be lost. Sin is deceptive and destructive, and believers need one another’s admonitions as instruments of grace. Discipline, therefore, protects the honour of God, the wellbeing of the church, and the salvation of the sinner. It aligns with the teaching of Lord’s Day 31, which presents discipline as a key of the kingdom meant to keep believers in the redemption Christ has secured.
Since the church is holy and exists as a true communion of saints, relationships within it must reflect both fellowship with Christ and fellowship with one another. Sin disrupts that communion, while Matthew 18 mobilizes it—using mutual, loving admonition to combat Satan’s attempts to sow division. Ultimately, belonging to Christ includes the calling to admonish one another in a brotherly, restorative manner.
How to Use the Rule of Matthew 18
The rule of Matthew 18 is given as an expression of Christian love and a means to preserve holiness and faithfulness within the church. Yet many believers hesitate to use it, fearing conflict, misunderstanding, or accusations of meddling. Such discouragement can tempt us to abandon the practice altogether; yet without it, proper discipline cannot function. Therefore, Scripture calls us to understand how this rule should be used rightly and lovingly.
First, Matthew 18 must be applied in a spirit of humility and brotherly love. The approach, tone, and intention matter. Galatians 6:1 reminds believers to restore gently while remaining aware of their own weaknesses. Knowing both the destructive nature of sin and the liberating grace of God equips us to correct others with compassion rather than pride.
Second, the matter must genuinely involve sin, not personal preferences or opinions. Any admonition must be grounded in the Word of God.[iv] The phrase “against you” has been interpreted in different ways, but the primary focus of the passage is on how to deal with the one who has sinned.
Christ commands, “Go”. This means we must address the person directly, not speak to others or spread concerns indirectly. The goal is to “show him his fault”, which requires honesty, clarity, and love. A visit should begin with careful questions to ensure facts are correct. Listening well, repeating what the other has said, and avoiding assumptions, all help establish the truth before applying Scripture to the situation.
This conversation should remain private, “just between the two of you”. It is important to protect the other’s reputation and prevent gossip. If the person listens, acknowledges the wrongdoing, and is willing to repent, the brother or sister has been “won”.
However, repentance may take time. Scripture and the confessions emphasize repeated, patient admonition. If the issue persists, this should be made clear, and a follow‑up visit arranged. Prayer should accompany these visits, though never used manipulatively.
If the individual refuses to listen after repeated attempts, one or two witnesses should be involved to strengthen the call to repentance. Only after these steps, and only if there is still refusal to repent, does the matter proceed to the elders and the wider church.
Ultimately, Matthew 18 requires humility, patience, clarity, and love. Its purpose is always restoration—not punishment—and its faithful practice reflects the grace of Christ within His people.
Obstacles on the Way of Matthew 18
The application of the rule of Matthew 18—Christ’s instruction for addressing sin directly, personally, and orderly—often encounters practical and relational obstacles. Although this biblical process is well‑known, it does not always function smoothly. At times people hesitate to use it because they feel uncertain or uncomfortable, or because past attempts proved difficult. Miscommunication, poor attitudes, and human weakness on both sides can also hinder its effectiveness. Still, the rule is frequently practised in everyday life more than we realize—for example, when parents encourage children to speak directly with someone involved rather than passing on stories. Yet several challenges commonly arise.
One obstacle is unwillingness to meet. Attempts to arrange a visit may be cancelled or ignored, and modern conveniences like caller ID make avoidance easier. When someone repeatedly refuses to meet, others—including the church—may need to assist, without disclosing the specific sin at issue. If a visit does happen, a gentle and approachable manner helps overcome initial apprehension.
A second difficulty is denial. If the person denies the wrongdoing and there is no proof or witness, the matter must end there, trusting the Lord with the outcome. If evidence or witnesses exist, they may need to be involved.
A third obstacle is anger. Someone confronted may react emotionally or aggressively. The visitor must remain calm, avoid escalating tension, and know when to pause the discussion if productive conversation becomes impossible.
Another frequent challenge is attack. The person admonished may deflect by highlighting the visitor’s own shortcomings. While such attacks can remind us that all are sinners in need of repentance, they must not obscure the issue at hand. The visitor should avoid retaliating or becoming personal and focus on the goal: seeking restoration.
Evasion is also common. Discussions may derail into disputes over minor details or irrelevant matters. The visitor must keep the central issue clear, sometimes choosing not to respond to distracting comments and intentionally steering the conversation back to the main point.
Finally, breakdowns in communication present significant challenges. People may misunderstand each other despite using similar words. Good communication requires careful listening, clarifying questions, and summarizing what the other has said to confirm understanding. Tone also matters—being too forceful can damage trust, while being too soft may minimize the seriousness of sin. Ultimately, letting God’s Word speak with both firmness and comfort helps maintain balance.
Attacks on the Rule of Matthew 18
Beyond practical obstacles, the rule of Matthew 18 can face direct attacks that undermine its effectiveness within the congregation. One major threat is gossip and slander. These behaviours damage discipline by keeping the sinner under guilt while harming his reputation in the communion of saints. Gossip destroys confidentiality, making people reluctant to open up.
Another attack arises from improper closure. This can occur when an issue is dropped without genuine repentance, or when a matter that has been properly resolved is later reopened. If forgiveness has been granted and repentance shown, the matter should be considered finished. Continuing to hold it against someone, or continuing to speak about it, undermines true reconciliation.
A further challenge is the fear of judging. Modern culture often claims that any form of judgment is wrong, giving sin room to persist unchecked. Scripture, however, requires discernment based on God’s Word, especially in evaluating confession and conduct.
Peer pressure also inhibits obedience to Matthew 18. People may avoid admonishing others because they fear disapproval. This pressure affects every age group; even children may lie to protect friends. Family ties can also blur objectivity, making it harder to confront relatives. Yet precisely for this reason God gives believers to one another, so they may help each other resist sin.
In conclusion, fulfilling Christ’s command to carry one another’s burdens requires the Spirit’s help. Therefore we pray for God to help and to give wisdom. Though challenging, mutual discipline is a loving gift meant for the spiritual wellbeing of all, enabling believers to speak the truth in love, to defend the other’s reputation, to genuinely seek one another’s well-being, and to serve the glory of our God.
[i] W. W. J. van Oene, With Common Consent, Premier Publ., Winnipeg, 1990, p.303.
[ii] Douwe G. J. Agema, COUNCIL HANDBOOK: THE TASK OF OFFICE-BEARERS IN BUILDING UP THE CONGREGATION, 2008, pp. 104-111.
[iii] Sometimes people think that the witnesses are there simply to witness someone admonishing someone else. Rev. W.W.J. van Oene (op. cit., pp.303-305) makes a strong case, with reference to Deut. 17, that they must have witnessed the sin that has been committed. See also The witnesses in “the rule of Matthew 18” – Defence of the Truth.
[iv] For example, we confess in BCF Art. 36 that we must obey the government “in all things which do not disagree with the Word of God” as the Apostle Paul tells us in Acts 4:19 and 5:29. Hence, if the government forbids parents from spanking a disobedient child (as is forbidden in many European and South American countries), or the government forbids churches from discriminating against homosexuals or women in office, then of course we obey God rather than man.